[List book]Hope is stronger than fear

Onderwerp: [List book]Hope is stronger than fear ma aug 19, 2013 10:08 pm

I'm not afraid of the dark; I'm afraid of what's in it

Dear diary,
It seems like a pussy sentence to start a diary, and it is. I'm the biggest pussy ever. That's why I -well my shrink- came up with this. Cause I probably have the most fears of all clients he ever had. I make lists, every time I have to write. That's whenever I feel like, or whenever mr. Shrink -I actually have no idea how he's called- tells me to. It seems logic to start a list with my worst fears. Lists will help my to clean my mind, Shrink said. And that will help me with my nightmares. And if I don't have nightmares anymore, I will be able to get some sleep, and then nothing will seem that scary as it jused to be. And then, fase seven, I will be able to face my fears. They will be conquerd. Some day, I hope to live fearless. Shrink told me that that is absolutaly not possible, But I may be incapable to do what's impossible. I've done it cervail times. Well, heres my list:

To be to fat
To be not pretty
To have no friends
Spiders
Electricity
Fire
Water
Kidnapping
Walls
Small rooms
Needles
Birds
The dark
Crowds
Public speeking
Sex
Heights
The Games

That is something. I know. And I probably got more, mutch more fears than this. The first nine fears, I conquerd when I was nine. That was when I got my anxiety disorder and at the same time my eating disorder. It was hectic. But I did it. It was impossible for me to do that and I would die. But I did it and I didn't die. Then, when I was ten, I overcame claustrophobia. I locked myself up in the bathroom, which is very small and I stayed their the whole day and the whol night and I only got myself out when I turned ten. It was horrible, but it worked. Eleven, I got loads of needles in my body. It was so painful I cried out the entire night, but it was worth it, I'm not afraid anymore. When I turned twelve, mum bought my a bird. And another one. And only me was supposed to take care of them. I did that until my thirtheenth birthday. I releasd them and even cried about that. That year I only slept in the dark, for the whole year. No nightlights alowed. When I turned fourteen, I overcame my fear for crowds, to go to every party I could think of. Fifteen, I took a job at the electricity as secretary, so I had to call people every day and had to deal with the fear to speak to unformailiar. It's time for the most akward part ever. Yes, on the night to my sixsteenth birthday, I lost my purity. Sigh. You could say I jused him, cause he liked my and I only had to conquer this fear and... Well, it was horrible and I regret it so mutch. But at least, I don't have to be afraid to any first time, cause now I know it is just... It's all quiet boring. So. Said it. Well, I better move on to the next part. I am seventeen now. I should have conquerd "Heigths" and I was serisouly planning to! But it went wrong. I don't want to talk about it, I failed.

You'r my worst fear to conquer

Onderwerp: Re: [List book]Hope is stronger than fear ma apr 07, 2014 8:07 am

I'm not afraid of the dark; I'm afraid of what's in it

Dear List book -Since I decide to call you like that-
I need you today, now I found it out. Now I found out that Emma could still be alive... I know I shouldn't have so much hope, but she always told me that hope is stronger than fear. I believe that is right. It is not the feeling of fear, when I make new scars on my wrists. When I conquered them. It was hope. I felt hope as soon as the knive touched my skin. As soon as the first drops of red liquid started to stream down, hope was what filled my body. Right now, training off to District Nine, where there could still be resistance, I decided to list not my worst fears, but my most sparkling hopes.

That Emma might still be alive
That one day, they will just quit The Games
That I will have the strenght to beat my anxiety
That I will be able to have a future
That the day will come, that I can inspire

It took me long to list this. It took me two Dristricts, One and Three if you want to get technical. Why are One and Three so different from Five? One and Three, how the people at all the stops look, how ridiciously rich they look... I never been to the Capitol. Crowded. Anxious. Shivers roll down my spain even with the tought of being in the Capitol. It would be terrible.
Today, as soon as I get out of the train, I could be given the change to make my first hope come true.
I want my fears to be replaced for the hopes.
I secretly want Emma to be alive more than anything.

You'r my worst fear to conquer

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